I can't believe that this day has finally come but here it is...
Draco's Birth Story
I knew this day would come that I would eventually write this birth story I've been scared of it all alone scared of how people would judge it scared of how people would respond scared of how people would not validate how I feel and have felt... Draco's birthday was the worst day of my life! Yes, I did just say that and I meant just that. Take it how you want. Now I would actually like to take you back 20 years I was five an innocent child just going through a parents divorce and not getting to see my dad every day he was my favorite person gosh he still is my favorite person! My mom had a two bedroom apartment and she got word that her sister was living in an apartment with nothing (water electric gas) she invited them to live with us her sister or brother in law and her nephew. Unfortunately for the next 10 years he and his son sexually abused me let your mind wander I'm sure you will get the point these events were only ended by Katrina. Forgiveness was hard to come by with me I'm not particularly a grudge holder but on this one I was..
Fast forward to last year.. I've always been afraid of male doctors white black Asian don't matter. I chose a midwife and was followed by her.. She got me the farthest I have ever gotten in a pregnancy 39 weeks 6 days !!! I was so proud of myself it was the first time I had made it full-term. We plan for a homebirth at my stepmother's house who is very supportive!! That Monday I started having contractions I got excited because I knew he was coming.. Wednesday I lost my mucous plug and things begin to pick up. By Thursday night I started to have a sharp pain I was concerned that I was trying to rupture. So by Friday morning I decided I wanted to go and be checked .. I took my hubby kids and step mom we went to Baptist where I was seen by very hateful woman but I explained her what was going on she told me that I did not know what I was talking about I had already had a bad experience with her two months before when I had gotten into a car accident and she went to check me and forced my legs open that's a trigger for me very very bad trigger .. I lost it when she did that it was the first time in a long time that I had a chew flashback and for a moment I was stuck mentally not being able to decipher reality from memory I ended A believing that time and going to another hospital where they treated me but when I saw her walk in that room and she recognized me I knew it was going to be bad you can ask my mother she was pissed off from the time she walked in the room. She told me I didn't know what I was talking about and proceeded to bestow all her anger that she had bottled up from this situation that we had had happened a couple months back my mom asked for a different doctor I was refuse that I began to be Badgered about the fact that I choose a midwife! Being that it was a vba3c .. I explained to them that I only want to be checked.. And they told me that there was no way for me to be checked to see if I had a window or impending rupture going on which I later found out was a lie a really big lie. After my mother went off on her for talking to me very badly and also apologizing for doing so which she had every right to do we decided to go to woman's hospital .. things have started out on a good note .. The nurses .. Were good .. But then when they found out that I had three previous C-sections and was being followed by a midwife their mood changed you could feel it in the air as my mom begin to tell me it's going to be OK just breathe because my contractions had picked up by this time... In walks the doctor standing there and all of his glory looking nearly identical to him my has the new instantly he said that it was going to be hard for me to get over just that. But when the doctor opens his mouth it was hostile from go and he Wanted to know why now that I had a problem did I want the doctors why do you not want the doctors from the start why was I stupid enough to get a midwife and who was stupid enough to take me as a patient. He could just not wrap his head around it as my mother explained to him we were there for a service and that his argument of ways were not services that we were going to pay for. I asked for a moment because at this point I was hyperventilating crying I just want to go home he got angry and at first refused to leave the room eventually I screamed at him to get out. At that point he did leave my husband and the nurses and my mother got me calm down with the help of an inhaler. My husband at the time flew out of the room he said you told him that I had been raped as a child by man that greatly resembled him and to take it easy on me because that alone was hard enough for me to get over my has been added that he really didn't seem to care that he was stuck on the fact that I needed to be talked to like that so I could get the point. I remember vividly saying why does he have to be so hateful why does he hate me so much. When he entered the room again he told me and my family that he was just wanting me to know how bad of a decision I had made and that before he rendered any services to me he thought it was his job to fuss at me so that I would never do this again. He said he wanted me to know how stupid yes he use the word stupid I was for doing this .. And that I deserved to have my baby die.. I know that my mom interjected that I was not stupid and that we were not going to tolerate that kind of language. He ordered a sonogram. And said that I was right that I was ruptured and had to go for an emergency C-section and that my husband could not go with me. I dug my heels and I said well then I'm not signing the paperwork if you can't go the nurses pleaded with the doctor in front of me and in the hall that that was not necessary that it wasn't a full rupture. The doctor was determined to punish me for my actions told me that I needed to go once this was all over for a mental evaluation. He finally agreed to let him come with me but then a new issue arose. I asked to have my placenta so I could encapsulated he called me a cannibal claims to have never heard of it.. The nurses said that there was a paper I had to sign in that they did let that happen but that it was not the norm. I signed my paperwork and went back however when I got back there I explained to him that I wanted the first words my baby heard to be "hear Israel the Lord our God is one." He said that was crazy and that that would be impossible however the nurse said she would make sure it happened did I mention that I had to ask for my has been yet again to come to the back.. They had already started when he got there once he got in and saw the uterus he said it was a very small window in that it wasn't a rupture at all however he said a C-section was really what had to happen.. At that moment I knew that he had lied to me to get me into that OR that he had gotten his way that he had punished me ultimately for what I chose to do with my pregnancy with my body. When Draco emerged there was silence in the OR and Philip uttered those same words are children have heard Hear oh Israel The Lord our God is one... They got them out wrap them up my has been asked if anything was wrong with them they said no he was perfect but that they would want to take him straight to the nursery he insisted that I get to see the baby and at first they said no but my husband begged for just a minute .. And they let him bring him to me.. I was so happy that he was OK don't get me wrong but I also was devastated that all of this happened the way it did.. The last words he told me as I was rolled into recovery was I hope you learned something today I chose not to respond to him. My husband came and told me that Draco was the biggest baby we had ever had he weighed 6 pounds 3 oz! He asked me if I was OK emotionally I told him no he told me that when Draco was taken out he inhaled some amniotic fluid so he had went lungs and that he would have to stay in the nicu I was devastated I thought that if I carried to term that I could avoid the NICU.. While draco was in there he had some great nurses that had heard about what happened to me and were committed to making sure that the rest of my experience was better than the beginning.. They got him and I nursing asap! And he nursed with no problem .. I've never had a baby that just came out knowing what to do with them being early they always have some type of troubles that we had to overcome it wasn't that way this time and I was so happy that my joy however was overshadowed on the fourth day with the psychiatrist that came to my room he said he was there to evaluate me to make sure that I was mentally capable of caring for a baby and capable of knowing right from wrong .. He said that I would have to be admitted if I did not pass but that he was sure I would. I passed that test with flying colors the doctor was not too happy about that so matter fact he came into my room and he said well I guess I have to let you go you passed your mental evaluation he added that he was surprised because somebody in their right mind would not make the decisions that I make there again he.. Just had to mentally abuse me .. The hospital arrange for me to stay in a part of the hospital that was not been used since draco would only be a couple days behind me.. Sure enough Draco was released a week to the day after his birth ..
That's where the real struggle began those first few weeks after he was born what's the hardest thing on my birth stuff around got me into a really big depression very scary place. I know that I was contemplating killing myself.. I just didn't want to be abused anymore I felt like I had had all that I could take in a lifetime I don't even know that anyone around me really knows how dark place I was in possibly not even my husband.. Knowing that it took fertility treatments to get pregnant with him really felt like it would be the last time I ever had and I was devastated that it ended on that note how could it end on that note! I was angry at myself ..that I Sign this paper to allow him to cut on me how to trust somebody to do that who was obviously angry at me to begin with. . Very few people checked on me after his birth felt like I was all alone the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I didn't want Draco to be formula fed I knew that if I killed myself that they would have no choice looking back it seems so silly that that one little thing is what kept me but I knew was true in that moment Breastfeeding was the most important thing to me I'm so thankful that I have that to hold onto. Over the past year I have randomly cried over the situation.. This situation made me feel victimized all over again... My heart is still broken in a lot of ways I feel like my body is still broken having a baby vaginally meant that I was repurpose sing that place that had been miss used by other people berthing a baby still remains to be a very important thing to me.. I do not want to die without experiencing that yes should we have more children and we want more children I will attempt another Vbac.. If anything I learned that having a doctor is not what I want and that having a midwife was one of the best decisions I made..
I want to say a special thank you to all the women that have pushed me over the last year to make sure he paid for what he did and all and I'm not sure that he did but I did report it.. Thank you for empowering me to put this story out there even as recently as this month I'm sorry it took so long..
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
As I look back on the last 7 years of my life; I can\'t help but realize that one thing stands out. I remember the last time I saw my daddy, it was a Saturday morning in the lower ninth ward. That was not unusual I would go see him on Saturdays and spend time with him. But I remember that visit to be very unusual he had a different tone in his voice one that seemed to crack. He sat me on the edge of his bed and began to tell me that he did not intend to leave for hurricane Katrina and that if anything were to happen to him he had all the information on a piece of paper in his pocket in a ziplock bag. He would barely let me get two words out. I seemed not to realize that he knew he would not make it through the storm. I just thought that we were going on a little vacation and would be back to clean up the mess and move on like always. I remember that he told me that I had become a very beautiful young lady and very sweet. And as we walked out he put his hand around my shoulder and as I look back that was the slowest walk down his long drive way. As we reached the car he stopped and turned to me and wiped the hair out of my face and said "Be sweet and remember that your daddy loves you so much!" he hugged me and put me in the car and turned to my mother and told her as she was pleading for him to leave with us he told her that "God would calm the stormy waters !"
As I look back through the years I realize that he was right God did calm the stormy waters in his life. And I have had my hard days in these past 7 years when I comes to dealing with his death. I have learned that as much as I would like to be a crazy dream it\'s not . I wake up everyday and see him in the things I do and the way I look at things .
Saturday, August 18, 2012
The truth is that a Homebirth is not everyone's. Cup of tea but for me it was the way I decided to plan this pregnancy to end. I knew that what I wanted was something that not many doctors out there would back, but I knew that I could find one. And that I did, but her insurance would not back the procedure. She told me to not give up and find a way to get my VBA2C. As most of you know I am a very determined person at heart and If I want something bad enough I will fight till the end. Now that works both for and against me at times. But as for this time it worked in my favor. I started with lots of research sometimes up all night scanning through articles on line and in books. I read so many vbac stories I found that through reading them I got a You can do it attitude ... I ended up finding out that lots of these VBAC and VBA2C were happening at home. So that started my research into Homebirth. To be honest with you when I started looking into this I knew No One who had delivered at home. I some way some how found a peace with it. And then found a wonderful midwife it turn out I had talked to her along the way through my research to begin with. So in someways I felt my research had come full circle.
I remember the first time I even spoke the word Homebirth to my husband: that was a moment I will never forget. Truth be told he took it a lot better than I had ever expected. After a lot of talking we came to the conclusion that if we could not find a midwife that we would do it just the to of us. Completely unassisted ! We prayed that God would lead us the way that he wanted us to go.
And like he always does he opened some doors and closed other ones.
The first meeting with the midwife was way better than we both expected. She wasn't what either of us thought they (midwives) were at all. I guess the image we painted was an old lady reminiscent of someone's granny that had been delivering babies all there life. I know that sounds horrible but we just did not know. Turned out that she was a young well educated woman that kind of reminded me of a friend that I would hang out with. Full of life and just happened to be a midwife. She was very approachable down to earth kind of person. I must say that this is something that helped us become
Comfortable with the dicission to have her be our midwife. She comes every month and the boys really love helping her . When we say that the midwife is coming they sit at the window till she pulls up and then out the door to help her get in . You can tell they are so excited to see her. Kobran has taken on the roll of finding Javier's heart beat and Manny wiped the ultrasound jell off. I really love that having this pregnancy cared for at home make the whole family feel involved and not left out. And I feel in lots of ways that the boys will except the baby more when he comes . Like it won't be so hard of a transition on them. It is like he has been here the whole time.
We also did decide to make this a water birth and like a Homebirth we had not heard of anyone that had done that either. But hey that did not matter we set out on this whole thing not on what others had done but what we wanted to do . And what God's will may be for us in our lives. Through this whole process we have found out a lot about ourselves and about us as a couple . And while the journey has just begun we will keep you all updated . The one thing that matters most to us in this journey is the PEACE that God has given us through this whole process.
-Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself!
-George Bernard Shaw
Monday, July 30, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
It kinda went a little like this
i got frustrated with a few things in life
so i got dressed and started running
until i felt better
well that was 6.5 miles when i was done
hey ! i did in 1hr 34 min
Hey! i should run a race
7 weeks before the Crescent City Classic
I started training
i would run at night i got better really fast
i was so proud of myself
and then by race day ......
There i was in a skirt and long sleeves
well i would never put my religious beliefs aside
i got on the bus and started that long ride to the start line
photographers kept saying wait we want a picture we have never seen it ran in a
and all the way to the front i maneuvered
and POW the race had begun
on foot in front the other it was like a had fire under my feet...
and what I'm to the city park now ..
wait what happened I'm at the photo finish line
wait wait wait...
there is the hubby and the kids
OMG i did it
oh wait i cut off 30 minutes of my time
hey wait up did he just say my name
yes he said your the first skirt i have seen all day and she made the top 2,000
out of 21,000 runners...
Monday, April 9, 2012
|Party Was His Middle Name|
Wow.. It seems like Yesterday that we were Having your 21st Birthday at the Buffalo Wild Wings In Jackson! I Remember that like it was Yesterday Oh the memories! Wow Lots was different ! I really didnt believe it was your Birthday that year i asked to see your license! that was too cute looking back! April Fool's Day! I had never know anyone with that birthday! Lets take a look back...
|Modeling Was His Life|